Parenting stories by Dr. Wanda Venters

Mommy Unicorn was always very busy. There always seemed to be things that needed doing. There were dishes that needed cleaning and floors to sweep and food to fix. There were bills to pay and groceries that needed buying. Daddy unicorn did the laundry and yard work and he was always busy also. The three little unicorns helped with their chores but they had little unicorn things to do and they needed someone to drive them to soccer practice and piano lessons. Sometimes Mommy Unicorn just got so tired she didn’t want to do anything.

One day Mommy Unicorn felt really cross. Earlier that day her boss told her that she needed to redo her project. The client didn’t like her idea. Then on the way home, Ella spilled her drink in the car. Kelana, who was only three, was singing a silly song over and over. Breyden reminded Mommy that he needed new shin guards for soccer. Mommy just felt tired.

When they got home, Mommy tried to listen to the news while starting dinner. Kelana was happy singing her song over and over and Ella and Breyden started arguing about who could kick a soccer ball further. Mommy just got angrier and angrier and then she shouted, ‘Kelana, stop singing! Breyden and Ella, be quiet!’ All the little unicorns got upset and started crying. Then Mommy said, ‘Oh my, I need a ‘time away’ for yelling. I am going to go to my room and lie down for a few minutes,’ and then she went upstairs.

Mommy lay down and started taking some deep breaths. She would count to three while she breathed in and would count to four when she breathed out. Ella and Breyden and Kelana stood outside her door and looked at her. ‘When is your time away over?’ Ella asked.

‘I need just a few more minutes,’ Mommy answered. ‘I don’t want to come downstairs until I can be civil.’

When Mommy came downstairs she felt better. She remembered that not everything had to be done at the same time. She put the dinner in the refrigerator for the next day. She said, ‘Let’s have some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tonight and go get Breyden’s new shin guards.’

On the way to the store Kelana started singing her song again and Mommy said, ‘Let’s listen to my new CD’I haven’t had time to hear it yet.’ It wasn’t the kind of music that the little unicorns liked but they decided to let their mommy hear it since she was having a bad day. On the way home, Mommy said, ‘I’m going to let each of you choose a song and if we don’t get them all heard before we get home then we can listen to them in the house.’

When they got home, Daddy was there. He had had a bad day also. ‘Where have you been?’ he asked. ‘All the lights were left on upstairs wasting energy! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know!’

Mommy looked at Daddy and said, ‘It sounds like you need some ‘Time Away’ also. Do you want to lie down or go on a bike ride?’

Daddy decided to go on a bike ride which was a pretty funny sight’a unicorn riding a bike.

‘Why do unicorns need ‘Time Away’?’ Kelana asked Mommy.

‘Oh, everyone gets tired and cross now and again.  When you feel angry, you need to think about why you are angry and with whom. Sometimes you need to speak to the person you are angry with or sometimes you need to change a situation but before you do these things you need to understand what is making you angry. Remember when Missy, your cousin, and her mommy, my sister, had a fight? Missy wanted to buy some expensive jeans and her mommy didn’t want to pay that much for the jeans. Then Missy went into her room and slammed the door. That made her mommy so angry she thought she would scream. But instead of screaming she took some ‘Time Away’ and thought about what was making her angry. She was angry because Missy didn’t seem to understand that she and Missy’s dad worked hard to make money to take care of the family and that there was never enough money for everything.’

‘After she thought about why she was so mad, Missy’s mommy explained that slamming the door was really rude and she thought that if she and Missy just talked about the conflict they could find solution. Missy was mad because it seemed that her mommy was always just telling her no, she couldn’t do this or that, she couldn’t buy this or that. After the talk, they decided that this time, her mommy would give Missy the amount which plain jeans cost and Missy would use her own money for the difference. They also agreed that in the future Missy would receive a monthly allowance for clothes’the same amount her mommy usually spent’and she could spend it anyway she wanted. After all, she was thirteen and old enough to plan for the clothes she would need and learn to budget. Just being angry at each other didn’t solve the problem.’

Kelana thought about the time her friend, Bobby, didn’t play with her at recess and how mad she got. Instead of telling Bobby that he hurt her feelings, she had snapped at her friend Laura. She thought next time she would just tell Bobby he hurt her feelings or ignore him and go play with Laura.

After Daddy came home from his bike ride, Mommy said, ‘I am going to take a walk by myself and just listen to the night sounds.’ Daddy started to say that he wanted time to clean up and get something to drink before watching the little unicorns, but then he realized that Mommy had not had any time by herself and that he could probably get his stuff done and watch the children. Mommy Unicorn had a good walk and joined the family for bedtime rituals. She helped tuck everyone in bed after story time and then went downstairs. Mommy and Daddy Unicorn looked at each other, smiled at their good fortune to have such fun little unicorns and decided that they both needed to ‘just put their feet up’ as the saying goes.

Notes for parents:
It is important to model how to handle anger for your children. Time Away or counting to 10 are important self control mechanisms that our children will learn best by watching us use them.

Time away is different from time outs in that the person needing to take a break gets to decide how long he need to be in his room or doing a solo activity. Timeouts are used to stop a child from doing an undesirable activity’especially an aggressive activity because it makes logical sense that no one wants to be around him when he is hitting, kicking or biting.

Anger, and how to deal with it, is something we work on all our lives. Sometimes we use the emotion to help us accomplish difficult tasks or change bad situations. In order for us to use it wisely we need to understand what we are angry about. There is a famous saying by Aristotle, ‘Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.’

Breyden was a busy little unicorn. He was two years old and when he was happy, he was the happiest unicorn in the world and when he was mad, he was the maddest unicorn in the world. He would get up in the morning with a big smile and then he would run and run. Usually he was a quiet unicorn but sometimes he needed to just run and run and neigh and neigh. There always seemed to be so many things to see and do.

It seemed that his mommy was always telling Breyden what to do but mostly what not to do. She would tell him to get up because he needed to go to Jan’s house while she went to work. Or she would tell him to hold still so she could get his clothes on. Breyden didn’t like to hold still. He wanted to run and run.

When Breyden was at Jan’s there was a schedule to follow. There was breakfast, outside time, work time, naptime, snack time, clean up time, music time and then wait time.  Sometimes the ‘wait time’ while he waited for Mommy or Daddy to pick him up seem liked the longest time of the day.

By the time Breyden got home he was tired and cross. He didn’t want to be good or hold still. He didn’t want to share toys with his big sister Ella. He didn’t want to do anything. When Ella told him to share, he hit her.

‘Breyden, you know that if you hit, you will be in time out,’ his mommy exclaimed. She picked him up and put him on the living room couch. She held the timer and said, ‘You need to sit there for two minutes until the timer makes a noise.’ Breyden slumped on the couch. He slithered on the couch and then he got off the couch. His mommy said ‘Breyden, if you get off the couch I have to start the timer over again’ and then she picked him up and put him back on the couch and reset the timer. This time Breyden sat on the couch and when the timer rang his mommy said, ‘Okay, you can get off the couch but no hitting.

Breyden went back to the toy box and started playing with his truck. His sister came over and put her face close to his face and asked if he wanted to have a tea party. Breyden didn’t want to have a tea party and he didn’t like his sister so close so he bit her.  Mommy proclaimed, ‘Breyden, if you kick, hit, bite or throw things at people you will be in time out!’ and then she picked him up and carried him back to the couch. Breyden sat on the couch with a scowl on his face and when the timer rang he got off the couch and lay down on the floor.

Mommy looked at Breyden, turned the dinner on the stove to low and came over and picked Breyden up and hugged him. She whispered, ‘I love you. I think we are all tired out now but after dinner and a rest let’s go for a walk with Dad. Come play with your plastic containers in the kitchen while I finish supper.’

Breyden went into the kitchen and played with the plastic containers in his cabinet.  He took a spoon and banged on the containers. Then two containers got stuck together and he got mad. He picked up the containers and threw them at his mother. His mother cried out, ‘Oh Breyden, that hurt. Now you’ve thrown something at me and you have to go to time out again.’ Then she picked him up and took him back to the couch.

After this time out Breyden’s daddy came home. He carried Breyden upstairs to change clothes. Daddy tossed Breyden in the air and made him giggle. They played chase in the house and Ella wanted to play. Daddy started tickling Ella and then they all started playing chase. After they were tired, Ella told Daddy that Breyden had had three timeouts already. This made Breyden mad. He turned around and kicked Ella. Daddy said, ‘Breyden, if you kick you will be in time-out’ and then he picked Breyden up and took him to the couch. Breyden started shouting but Daddy just held the timer until Breyden was quiet and then Daddy started the timer.

When the timeout was over, everyone ate dinner and Mommy and Daddy looked at each other and rolled their eyes. ‘Let’s go for walk,’ Dad said. After walk and bath and story time were done, Breyden fell fast asleep.

The next morning Breyden woke up all smiles and giggles. He squirmed while his mommy tried to dress him and Mommy gave up and tickled him.  She put his clothes in his back pack and carried him down to breakfast. She told him to remember that if he hit, kicked or bit anyone that he would be in time out either at home or at Jan’s. She showed him the timer and let him play with it and learn how it worked. She said, ‘Remember if I have to reset the timer because you get out of time out, it takes longer until the noise happens.’ Then they talked about the outing he was going to have at Jan’s house that day. They were going to the zoo!

When Breyden got home that night he was very tired. Mommy got everyone some orange juice and they all sat on the couch and watched Sesame Street.  While Mommy went upstairs to change clothes, Ella was building a city with Lego’s and Breyden started to help her. When she told him to stop helping, he got mad and hit her. Mommy came downstairs and picked Breyden up and put him on the couch and set the timer. After timeout, Breyden got down and started playing with his truck. Ella came over and asked ‘Can I have your truck to use in my city?’

Breyden didn’t want to lend Ella his truck and he wanted to hit her but he didn’t want to go to time out. So he just said, ‘No!’ and Ella went away and found another truck. Mommy said, ‘Good job, not fighting.’ Then Breyden felt good about himself and decided to go to the kitchen and play in his cabinet.

When Daddy came home that night Mommy said, ‘Breyden and Ella had a busy day and saw a lot of animals at the zoo.  Breyden has done very well this evening and had only had one time out. I think he understands if you hit, kick or bite, no one wants to be with you so that you have to be by yourself for a few minutes.’

The family ate sandwiches for dinner, Breyden had a bath playing with Ella, and then they had story time. They read a book about a little boy who had trouble with his temper and had to learn to not hit when he was mad or he would have to go to time out. The story made Breyden giggle because even little boys had timeouts�not just little unicorns! Then Daddy and Mommy kissed him goodnight and he fell right to sleep. He was a very happy, and a very tired, little unicorn.

Notes for parents:

It is important to remember that discipline always works best if there is a natural or logical consequence to the action. In this case it makes logical sense that if the child hits or kicks or is aggressive, he should go to timeout. Nobody wants to be around someone who is aggressive so that person has to be alone. A simple example of logical and natural timeouts is the following:

If your child is climbing on a chair and you are afraid that he might fall, you can tell him to sit in or get off the chair because he may fall. If he falls, you can tell him ‘oops, I was afraid of that’ and let his action teach him consequences. If falling is too risky, tell your child that he will need to sit in the chair or get off the chair because you are afraid that he will fall. If he continues to climb, remove him from the chair. Problem is solved; there is no need for punishments or bribes. It is tempting to say to a child that he won’t get a treat such as a lollipop if he doesn’t behave but unless the treat is directly related to his actions such a ploy will often backfire. Before long he is testing how many times he can climb in the chair before loosing a treat, or if one child behaves and another child doesn’t you’re faced with the situation of one child eating a lollipop if front of the other child. It is always best to think why we want our children to do something and what the natural or logical consequences are if they don’t do it.

It is also important to have plenty of ‘time in’ when raising children. In this story the snuggle time watching Sesame Street which mommy arranges after the second day defuses some of the tension built up by a busy or exhausting day. If you are having recurrent battles with your child, you need to change the routine of your day or the setting of the battles. I can remember coming home from work after picking up my children from day care and just wanting 20 minutes to change my clothes and start dinner. Invariably my children would start to fight or whine. I learned to come home, get everyone a drink, and sit on the floor and watch something peaceful on TV. After a little cuddle time, everyone would relax and tell me about their day. Then I could change clothes and do a few simple tasks to start the evening. It is also very helpful to tell children what to do, not just what not to do. Telling Breyden to come play in the kitchen while she made dinner gave him something to do while Mommy finished her task.

There is usually a time in your child’s development when she needs to learn not to be physically aggressive. During this period, it can seem that you are always putting her in time-out. Don’t despair. If you are consistent about not tolerating aggressive activity, within a few weeks the activity will greatly diminish and your evenings will return to something besides a series of time outs.

When Ella was a little unicorn her mommy did everything for her. Like all little babies, she was helpless. She needed her mother’s milk to grow and she needed her mommy to tuck her into bed. She needed her mommy to change her diapers and give her baths. She needed her daddy to carry her places and to play with her.

Then Ella started to grow. She got bigger and stronger and smarter everyday. By the time she was one she could walk and talk. She could giggle and play games. Now she could move around the house by herself and find all sorts of things to do. She still needed her mommy to give her food and change her diaper and sing songs with her and tuck her into bed. But she could decide what to eat from her plate and when she was full. She did notice that sometimes her diaper was wet or smelly and her bottom got sore if Mommy or Daddy didn’t change it. Most of the time she didn’t think about her pee or poop too much.

When Ella was two years old her mommy told her that she was getting old enough to pee and poop in the potty like the big unicorns. They looked around at all of their friends and family.  Missy was an older cousin who looked almost like an adult. She went to high school and she peed and pooped in the potty. Breyden was just a baby�he couldn’t even crawl yet. He still wore diapers. Mommy and Daddy wore panties and used the potty so their bottoms never got sore or smelly. Ella thought, ‘Maybe I can go pee or poppy in the potty.’

Sometimes when she could tell that a poop was about to come, Ella went to a quiet place to poop. Then she would tell her mommy that she was ‘poopy’. Sometimes, if her diaper was off while the bath water was running, she was surprised to see the pee come out her bottom. One time her mommy said, ‘Your diaper is dry. Maybe if you sit on the potty you can put your pee in it.’

Ella sat down and peed in the potty. She was very excited and her mommy clapped her hands a lot and got very excited and called Grandma. Now Ella was afraid that she might not be able to go pee in the potty again and was afraid to try. Her mommy said, ‘Okay, we all get scared sometimes. Just practice sitting on the potty again with your diaper on until you want to try without your diaper.’

One day her bottom got very sore and her mommy took her to the doctor’s office. Dr Wanda explained, ‘The cure for diaper rash in no diapers! Run around without your diaper as much as possible.’ She told Ella’s mommy to do some ‘potty practice’ time in the kitchen.

The next day Ella’s mommy put the potty chair in the kitchen and told Ella that she was going to run around without a diaper or undies so that her bottom could get fresh air and so that she could run to the potty easily if a poop or pee was going to happen.   Then they started to play.

First they made the cookie dough and put some in the freezer and baked some cookies. After they ate some cookies and drank some milk, Ella’s stomach started to hurt and she thought, ‘Maybe I am going to have a poop!’  She ran to the little potty and sat down and the poop came out! She was so excited and her mommy came to her and said, ‘Good job.  Let’s go put this in the big potty and wave bye-bye so that it can go and join all the other poopies to play.’

After that Ella’s mother said, ‘It’s time to clean up.’ Getting her hands wet made Ella’s bottom feel funny and her pee come out. Ella’s mommy said, ‘Oh try to hold your pee and let’s see if you can put some in the potty!’  Mommy picked Ella up and carried her to the potty and put her on it. Ella sat there for a moment and then the pee came out her bottom and ran into the potty. Both she and her mommy thought that was pretty neat.

When he came home, Daddy kissed Ella and said, ‘I am so proud of you peeing and pooping in the potty!’ He liked her new undies with the bright rainbow on them. He took her to the potty and she tried to go pee but nothing came out. He said, ‘ You can try again later.’ Then he changed his clothes and they started making macaroni and cheese. While the water was boiling, Ella�s bottom felt funny again and she ran to the potty and her pee came out. Everyone was so happy and Ella was so proud.

That night Ella put on her diaper to go to bed. Her mommy said, ‘Little unicorns still wear diapers at night even when they wear undies during the day.’ The next day Ella didn’t want to wear her undies. She just wanted to wear her diaper. Her mommy said that was okay but her bottom would feel better with undies on. After lunch Ella went poop in her diaper and her bottom hurt. Her mommy said, ‘Go get a diaper and wipes and we will change you.’

The wipes stung Ella’s bottom. ‘Can I wear my undies?’, Ella asked.

‘Sure,’ Mommy said.

The rest of that day Ella went potty sometimes when her bottom felt funny and sometimes when her mommy told her to try. She only had one accident!
After the second day Ella wore her undies most of the time. Sometimes she would wear a diaper but they were sort of hard to walk around in and got hot easily. Her mommy said, ‘Every time you use the potty we save a quarter on diapers. Let’s put some quarters in a special jar when you use the potty.’ When they had 4 quarters, Erinella and her mommy went to the store and bought some stickers.

After a while Ella forgot about the diapers and she just got up each morning and put on her undies. On rare days she forgot to go the potty when her tummy felt funny and would have an accident. Her mommy said that accidents happened once in a while to people when they were learning a new skill. Ella said, ‘I wish I could just use the magic in my unicorn sot that I didn’t have any more accidents!’

Mom replied, ‘Life would be boring if we used magic when learning a new skill. Besides our magic only works when we are helping others.’

‘Will you come wipe me after I go poop,’ Ella asked

‘Of course,’ Mom said. ‘but by the time you are four you will be able to wipe yourself. Did I tell you the story about Missy? When she was a little girl Missy didn’t like to wipe herself so she called her mommy or daddy to help her wipe until she was 6 years old! Then Missy’s mommy learned that 4 year olds could wipe themselves and she told Missy that she had to wipe her own bottom.’  Ella and Mommy giggled over how silly Missy was. When Ella asked Missy about the story Missy just laughed and said that it was true�live and learn she said. Then they went to the store and bought some ice cream with Ella’s special quarters.
Notes for parents:

This story is to help you and your child understand the mechanics of potty training and to give you an idea of how to use ‘potty practice time’ to reinforce other ways you have of teaching your child about using the potty. Children are observing us all the time and trying to figure out what we want them to do. They are also going through their own emotional and physical development. Our job as parents is to explain how things work and give our children an opportunity to learn. Exactly when they achieve different skills will depend on their own internal dynamics.

The use of salty snacks during practice time makes your child thirsty so that he drinks more and has more urine for practicing. Whereas adults can urinate a little bit even when their bladder is not full, children younger than three can only urinate when their bladder is full. This fact is why young children cannot always urinate before leaving home but will need to go to the bathroom shortly after starting the day’s errands. It is reasonable to expect your young toddler to try to pee before leaving the house, just don’t be mad if this program does not always work.

Sometimes children and parents get locked in a battle about potty training (as well as many other things in life). It is always helpful to remember that your job as a parent is to give your child the knowledge of how things work, the opportunity to practice and the reassurance that you know that he can succeed. It really is true that 99.9% of children  master this skill before kindergarten.

These stories can be downloaded and printed but cannot be sold or reprinted without the author’s permission.

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